For those of you who have never actually played Settlers of Catan, I apologize – this blog will mean nothing to you.
Playing Settlers with Franky and Sarah is a somewhat weekly thing, and in the past weeks, months and years I’ve had the opportunity to watch Sarah evolve into a freakish maniac. However, she’s a freakish maniac who almost always wins, so I decided to critique her tonight as we played so that I could post her award winning tactics for the whole world to read.
Remember, no matter how crazy this sounds these are proven, award winning tactics. Ready? Okay, take notes:
- ALWAYS be the same color! If someone tries to take your color, stare at them in dis-belief with your mouth partly open and then – when you have their complete (and confused ) attention, let out a wail similar to "FRANKY! DONT TAAAAKKKEEE MMMMYYYYY RRREEEEEEEDDDDD!!!!!" This seems to have a 100% effectiveness.
- Verbalize what you think everyone else will do before you do anything. Explain the genius behind your initial placements and take a moment to gloat.
- Roll the dice and do a happy dance in your chair when you have to go last.
- Give your opponents the "screw you" look when they attempt to trade with you and the "I’m and angel" look when you want to trade with them.
- Have at least 2 or 3 guilt trips on hand for when the robber gets put on your number.
- Take a few minutes to shuffle your cards thoroughly before letting someone take one. Stare intently into their eyes to ensure that they are not using their x-ray vision to see what your cards are.
- While staring, try to use a mind meld to control their thoughts.
- If in doubt, refuse to let them take the card they have selected and insist on a re-shuffle with double the mind meld power.
- Shout out the number rolled in a joyous voice each time someone rolls the dice.
- And the last, most important thing you can do… procure Development Cards by whipping the card accross the table and plastering it to your chest while you eye your opponents suspiciously (dont forget the x-ray vision). Slowely sweep the card up under your chin and peer with one eye at the card while keeping the other eye on your opponents. This is a tricky and complicated move to master, but it can be done. I’ve witnessed it first hand from across the table.
Add to these tactics the enforcing power of Coca-Cola and you’re on your way. Sarah, I hope you dont mind me giving away all your secrets, lol. Thats what you get for always beating me. But I love you 🙂